The thing about depression is that it either takes away all will to self-motivate and do what makes you feel better, or the things that made you feel better before have no affect on you anymore. That’s what most people forget. I hear all the time you should go meditate, go…
“Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”—Philippians 4:8 (via per-sha)
“Having personality disorder is tough. You’ve spent 19 years in this world, developing who you are, developing your personality but now you’re learning that you need to change in order to make life worth living. Just remember that whenever you feel down, or like you’re not getting better. It’s taken you 19 years to become who you are in this moment, so it’s going to take more then a couple of days or weeks to change yourself.”—
“There’s no shame in being afraid. Hell, we’re all afraid. What you gotta do is figure out what you’re afraid of because when you put a face on it, you can beat it. Better yet, you can use it.”—Whitey Durham, One Tree Hill (via tovemarie)
I live with a mind that is intelligent, observant and creative. A mind that sorts, organizes, labels, solves and explores. It never settles. It searches and creates and it learns. It is also broken.
My foundation has cracks in it; every ramble, stirring or shake works it ways through my entire being multiplying in strength along the way. Every couple steps forward, I am met with opposition. A fierce competitor denying me of my dreams, energy, hope and gifting me with apathy. It leaves me disconnected and exhausted.
My mind is strong and self-aware so each encounter with my competitor leaves me knowing that my life is less than. Less hope, less connection, less love. Less. My self-awareness knows that there is a problem but my mind has yet to find the solution.
Moments of health and freedom, moments that could be described as “normal” and sane, are experienced. They come and go. Some seasons they stay longer than others. These moments create a space for me to breathe, to relax and to dream of possibility. I get comfortable and then I am attacked. My dreams are crushed with the reality that my normal will never be their normal. My best will never be good enough and is always short-lived. I am broken. My brokenness owns me.
I desire to connect with this world, my family, those around me. I long to feel deeply. To love fully. To dive into this world with my entire being. I want to live a full abundant life. My reality has always, and I fear will always, fall short.
My brokenness hasn’t even given me the decency to follow the norm within the realm of the abnormal. I doesn’t fit into any pattern, explanation or known cause. It follows its own will. Which, as a fellow stubborn soul, I tip my hat for its fierceness and its need to create its own path rejecting the commonplace and the understood. But I also resent it for not giving me any answers to hold onto; I am left without understanding. This has often left me more hopeless than the brokenness itself.
My brokenness has been given a name. It took me over a decade to uncover it. Those years were filled with much desperation, numerous doctors (many of whom responded with looks of confusion and useless responses), sleepless nights, bad decisions and tears. The years after the name was spoken did not always look much different, but that name did return some of my power back to me.
I have grown stronger. As I become more familiar with my opposition, I grew stronger. I am still often taken off guard. I still often feel hopeless. I am still often fearful to dream big dreams. But I choose to move forward. To dream and hope and fight. I choose to not be defined or limited by my brokenness. I choose to be grateful for the steps forward, for the strength gained and for each day survived.
My brokenness separates me from reality but it does not get to define me. I am more than my brokenness and I choose to live in hope.
thank goodness that there are people who can perfectly articulate what i too feel and go through.
“It’s the oldest story in the world. One day you’re seventeen and playing for someday, and then quietly and without you ever really noticing, someday is today. And then someday is yesterday. And this is your life. We spend so much time wanting, pursuing, wishing. But ambition is good. Chasing things with integrity is good. Dreaming. If you had a friend you knew you’d never see again, what would you say? If you could do one last thing for someone you loved, what would it be? Say it. Do it. Don’t wait. Nothing lasts forever. Make a wish, place it in your heart. Anything you want. Everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where your next miracle is going to come from. The next memory, the next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it’s right around the corner, you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it, you might just get the thing you’re wishing for. The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it.”—One Tree Hill (via sempre-fedele)
“I knew of a man who was sent to the State Prison for twenty-five years. All these years he was always thinking of his home, and counting by years, months, and days, the time till he should be free, and see his family and friends once more. The years roll on, the time of imprisonment is over, the man is free. He leaves the prison gates, he makes his way to his old home, but his old home is not there. The house in which he had dwelt in his childhood had been torn down, and a new one had been put up in its place; his family were gone, their very name was forgotten, there was no one to take him by the hand to welcome him back to life.
So it was with me. I had crossed the line of which I had so long been dreaming. I was free; but there was no one to welcome me to the land of freedom, I was a stranger in a strange land, and my home after all was down in the old cabin quarter, with the ole folks, and my brothers and sisters. But to this solemn resolution I came: I was free, and they should be free also; I would make a home for them in the North, and the Lord helping me, I would bring them all there.”—Harriet Tubman (1820 - March 10th, 1913)
I know that problem feels unbeatable right now. Where you want to be feels far away. Your numbness is growing, your heart hardens, the chasm deepens. You wonder why you keep trying, when it’ll pay off, when your steps forward will be more than the steps back.